Alrighty, today's rant doesn't involve co-workers but rather a really, really, really fat motherfather that was accosting me DURING MY BLEEDIN' BREAK!!!
I don't have anything against fat people. I'm somewhat less than in shape myself. That being said, there is a point where someone becomes so fat that they are more amorphous blobs that they are people. These individuals often are wheezy, smell like old bologna sandwiches, have more chins and rolls than an art exhibit consisting of chins sculpted from rolls, and can't walk farther than a few feet without being out of breath and hurting their knees. What's always amazed me about this level of fatness is that it is HARD to stay that fat. First of all, if you're that fat you likely don't work so it's hard to afford enough food to stay that way. Furthermore, you have to be so incredibly sedentary that it's likely impossible to be entertained. Really, if you just ate like a normal person and walked around a bit you'd lose some weight.
But I digress. The other day at work I went on break and was trying to track something down for lunch. As I was wondering about the groceries a very large man riding an electric scooter noticed that I was an employee and muttered something in a lazy wheezy voice to get my attention. Assuming that he just needed help finding something or getting something down from a high shelf because he was to lazy to get out of his scooter I turned around with a poorly faked pleasant smile. Rather than ask for help he started yelling at me because we had recently relocated the chips. Before I could point him in the right direction he scooted off with a wheezy huff. I just shrugged and continued looking for some chow. Then a few minutes later he came back and started yelling at me like it was personally my fault that the chips had moved amd calling me names like "bastard" and "moron" I must have glared something fierce because he then scooted off again. So, back to shopping and then I hear the telltale sound of an electric motor coming my way again. Now the fat bastard was driving around me like a fat hyena circling a potential meal heckling and deriding me because apparently I had moved the chips just to be vindictive... At this point I almost snapped. It took all my willpower not to yell out "You don't need any goddamn chips tubby, look at you." then reach down, unplug his scooter's battery and walk away leaving him stranded unless he could muster the energy to get up. Mustering all of my will I simply replied in the most strained and curt voice I've ever heard, "Sir, I DID NOT move the chips. In fact, I'm on break. However, if you'll be quite for a moment I'll point you to them." Moments later the fat bastard was scooting off to his chips.
Maybe karma kicked in and he got tainted chips that gave him severe food poisoning...
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