Beware Maxwell Edison or the last sound you'll hear is doink. . . or the sound of your skull fracturing, I dunno...

Now, I don't make animated videos. I don't have the patience or the steady hand necessary to do the artistry and I have more important things to do with my time like working and staring into blank space. However, I do watch them and give props where they're due. That being said I felt like listening to one of my favorite Beatles tunes. A happy, upbeat sounding diddy about a serial killer who bludgeons people to death, it also as a sick bass line. Said song is Maxwell's Sliver Hammer by The Beatles. While surfing about I found this video on youtube and felt the urge to share it. Enjoy.

P.S. This was always one of the odder Beatles songs, even if you disregard the subject matter. It was a McCartney tune and he claimed it's about unwanted surprises rather than a serial killer. Harrison and Lennon always hated it and Ringo, well... he was just being Ringo I guess.

Retail Chronicles: The Chronicling Part 3: It Smelled of Cabbage and Feet... and was Annoying...

Well, I'm still at it trying to clear up my backlog of BS. Today's tale is about a coworker who only lasted a week before they let him go.

Now, anyone who has ever had a job knows that there is at least one dude at the office that no one likes. Be he annoying, a know-it-all, smelly, stupid, lazy, etc. Every once in a while, however, there is someone who manages to roll all of these traits into one and become an aberration so abominable that it defies logic. This type of worker is like an eldritch abomination, try to imagine Cthulu's annoying brother, not as scary but just as madness inducing. Now this is a rare individual, you may work your whole life and never encounter one and you would be wise to hope that's the case. But those of you that are unfortunate enough you have my pity.

In this case we have an individual that in the span of two nights had a crew of 30+ people wishing him ill will. I was almost impressed with his level of dislikabileness but he was so dislikable I couldn't be. This is the kind of individual that assumes you're his best friend after a single meeting even if said meeting ends with you telling him you hope he dies. He was the newbie on our team and rather than accepting advice and guidance he tried to tell us how to do things and was so wrong it would have been funny if it weren't so sad. He actually walked up to random people and quoted Chuck Norris facts. He was a touchy feely person and violated peoples bubbles. He tried to snark but always and invariably failed. He was very weak and insisted on helping do things that required physical strength then whined about how heavy everything was. He hid when we had boring/hard work to do. And worst of all he didn't wear deoderant and ended up smelling like a combo of cabbage, wet dog, and rot.

I could have handled this, believe it or not, but the poor fella thought he was the most awesome person in all of Awesometown, maybe even the mayor. It was so annoying that after the third day of the week the bosses were already planning to an him. Why oh why was he even hired is what I wonder. . .

Retail Chronicles: The Chronicling, Part 2 Obesity, Scooters, and Chips

Alrighty, today's rant doesn't involve co-workers but rather a really, really, really fat motherfather that was accosting me DURING MY BLEEDIN' BREAK!!!

I don't have anything against fat people. I'm somewhat less than in shape myself. That being said, there is a point where someone becomes so fat that they are more amorphous blobs that they are people. These individuals often are wheezy, smell like old bologna sandwiches, have more chins and rolls than an art exhibit consisting of chins sculpted from rolls, and can't walk farther than a few feet without being out of breath and hurting their knees. What's always amazed me about this level of fatness is that it is HARD to stay that fat. First of all, if you're that fat you likely don't work so it's hard to afford enough food to stay that way. Furthermore, you have to be so incredibly sedentary that it's likely impossible to be entertained. Really, if you just ate like a normal person and walked around a bit you'd lose some weight.

But I digress. The other day at work I went on break and was trying to track something down for lunch. As I was wondering about the groceries a very large man riding an electric scooter noticed that I was an employee and muttered something in a lazy wheezy voice to get my attention. Assuming that he just needed help finding something or getting something down from a high shelf because he was to lazy to get out of his scooter I turned around with a poorly faked pleasant smile. Rather than ask for help he started yelling at me because we had recently relocated the chips. Before I could point him in the right direction he scooted off with a wheezy huff. I just shrugged and continued looking for some chow. Then a few minutes later he came back and started yelling at me like it was personally my fault that the chips had moved amd calling me names like "bastard" and "moron" I must have glared something fierce because he then scooted off again. So, back to shopping and then I hear the telltale sound of an electric motor coming my way again. Now the fat bastard was driving around me like a fat hyena circling a potential meal heckling and deriding me because apparently I had moved the chips just to be vindictive... At this point I almost snapped. It took all my willpower not to yell out "You don't need any goddamn chips tubby, look at you." then reach down, unplug his scooter's battery and walk away leaving him stranded unless he could muster the energy to get up. Mustering all of my will I simply replied in the most strained and curt voice I've ever heard, "Sir, I DID NOT move the chips. In fact, I'm on break. However, if you'll be quite for a moment I'll point you to them." Moments later the fat bastard was scooting off to his chips.

Maybe karma kicked in and he got tainted chips that gave him severe food poisoning...

Retail Chronicles: The Chronicling, Part 1: Introduction, The Introducing

Well my non-existent readerbase I'm back so you can collectively stop weeping. I know, life must have been hard but all none of you managed to go on without me... somehow. My ego aside I've been working a summer job to help pay off my college loans in a well known retail chain that shall not be named. Now we all know that I despise the lion's share of my fellow man on a personal level, as such you can only begin to imagine the sheer volume of bile and vitriol that I choke on on a daily basis. That being said, I feel the best way to deal with all my unbridled ill-will is to channel it into some dark humor on the interwebs for your reading displeasure.

That said lets jump into the meaty core of the issue. I have to work with other people, both co-workers and customers, who say, do, behave, and look all kinds of irritating things/ways/whatever/pie. Some of which I find humorous in a condescending kind of way and others nearly cause an aneurysm. Every now and again after a particularly awesome/atrocious nugget pops up I'll chronicle it here. No I've been working there for a few weeks so I have a backlog to clear up before I can give new stuff.

Now, for a starter story we're gonna cover a character I'll refer to as loud bossy girl/terrible mother/please shut up now this individual wound up with a bun in the oven and had to drop out of school. No big deal, I try not to judge but usually fail. Now said woman has a daughter, no babydaddy around to help and an unsupportive family. I tried being sympathetic and nice, really I did, why don't you believe me, go to hell, no really I mean it I tried to be nice. Anyhoo, the more I learned the less I was able to feel any sympathy, i.e. she stated that her babydaddy once threatened to throw the baby out the door because it soiled its diaper. Now, I highly doubt some one can go from dapper gentleman to total douche in that short a time so babydaddy was likely as douchy before he was babydaddy. That said, why would you allow someone made of douchonium to sire your child? Then, upon more involuntary intelligence gathering I discovered that loud bossy girl's grandparents want to take her child. Terrible right? Not really, loud bossy girl is constantly going out getting drunk and doing drugs and hitting on guys almost as douchy as babdaddy was. That actually sounds like responsible and caring grandparents. So, anyway, point is I have trouble feeling sorry for people who cause their own problems. I'm not gonna be sad for someone who burns himself on a hot pan trying to move it without potholders for example.

Anyhow, loud bossy girl got her name by being loud and bossy. I know, witty, right? Anyhoo, loud bossy girl is a temporary hire and she wants her temporariness to become long-terminess and what not. Her way of showing people how good an employee she is is by yelling at everyone and being really bossy to people who she has no right to be bossing around. In a rare moment of compassion I informed her that perhaps being loud and annoying would be an impediment to her future employment. Rather than acknowledging my wisdom or dismissing it she rather tried to justify her logic behind her theory of being annoying and unlikeable in order to ensure continued employment. I'm not going into details but it made me wish I was at least temporarily stricken deaf so I didn't have to hear it...

Anyhoo, more to come, they'll likely be less depressing and more funny.